Friday, 11 December 2015

What to look up to in the lead-up to the 2016 elections

People in the U.S. seem surprised every time that the electorate makes an underwhelming choice electing a representative to office... their level of surprise, and bafflement, on the rise with each, successive election, one of America's few growth industries...

Presumably, everyone expects the electorate to show discerning judgment when choosing from the different economic ideas on offer, however complicated those ideas may be ... and that optimistic view seems to sustains itself even as Americans continue to eat junk food every day, choose awful sitcoms and other derivative Hollywood products every time that that choice is present, and insult anyone who suggests that they replace their pop and rap collections with anything that resembles actual music.

Americans might show poor taste in everything from fashion to literature, even when price is not a factor, but when it's time to vote, however, everybody expects everybody else to show impeccable judgement: after all, elections are way too important to reflect the crappy choices that Americans make every day.

For the sake of democracy, and the continued welfare of the republic, on Election Day, it is only reasonable that everybody expects Americans to make a huge, huge effort not to behave like themselves...

If there is one day where selfishness and vanity must be cast aside, it is certainly Election Day..

On that day, a huge, huge effort is expected from everybody.. 

Just for that one lonely, solitary occasion... Just for that one brief, short day ...

On that particular day, a huge, huge effort is expected of all Americans... for them not to behave like Americans.

If the future of the republic itself is concerned, then certainly, that cannot be asking too much...

Friday, 4 December 2015

The story of the Three Little Pigs after it was translated into Mandarin... Accidentally funny.

Most people are familiar with the story of the three little pigs; what a lot of people don't know, however, is that the Chinese now have their own version of the story.  

In the Chinese version, however, the pigs' homes are built using Chinese construction methods so that when the wolf blows on the third pig's house, the house collapses and all three of the pigs die. 

The exact moral of the story remains unclear and ambiguous. 

If you figured out what the moral of the story is, let the Chinese know of it will you. 

If you figured it all out, please inform the Chinese of it will you, just out of kindness and consideration.

Because, you know, if you don't do that, you know what the Chinese are going to do, they are going to hack into your computer pronto and just steal all of that information from you anyways.

Saturday, 28 November 2015

To anyone who was thinking of starting to smoke today ...

To everything else that sucks when you smoke you can add one more thing to the list: all the people that are finding out about that on their own, which happens every day in a process that really appears to have no beginning and no end.

That might seem awful but it is still less awful than making an announcement to others unsolicited, with all of the variable, and unpredictable, reactions that may elicit.

There are even those who find it to be a brilliant idea to not to make any mention of that to the girl that they about to date, preferring instead that she finds out herself, at which point they think that the issue will be cleared up and that it will just go away, and that everyone can then just move on to the next topic of conversation, when in fact, there is no chance of that happening.

Incredibly, unbelievably, girls that don't smoke don't really like the smell of the Marlboro perfume on somebody's jacket.

They don't really like the smell of the Benson & Hedges cologne any better either.

Girls that don't smoke rarely date guys that smoke, so if you do smoke, your only chance is probably to find a girlfriend that smokes as well.

The worst part, however, is if you smoke and you're bald, because then you have to find a girlfriend that smokes and who happens to be bald as well. That is not a simple task. That's why if you reach that point, it might be simpler for you to just quit smoking.

As an added bonus, if you do make that change, then immediately, your chances of dating Beyonce will go up from zero to one in three billion.

Friday, 27 November 2015

A brief recap and summary of the last 500 TED talks in less than... 4 minutes.

I want to talk to you about something that's really important today... and that's creativity.

First of all, though, let me say that I think that creativity is not only being disdained and scoffed at in America today, I think that's it's much worse than that. 

I think that creativity has already become a curse word in America.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

(Illuminati FAQ) How come they always find out that I'm not Jewish in Jewish studies class?

If any of you are going to take Jewish studies classes soon, do let me know, will you. 

I know that that is where you all learn how to rule the world... where you read the Protocols of Zion... where you read it and study it again and again so as to extract hidden meaning out of it. 

That's where you learn all that centuries-old rabbinical wisdom about how to rule the world. 

I have an interest in that myself... so if any of you are going to take a Jewish studies class soon... just save the notes for me, will you... at the end of the year... all the notes that you take in class... don't throw them away... just save them for me, will you. 

I need that information. 

I really really need it.

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

What a typical job interview for women in Saudi Arabia sounds like...

In Saudi Arabia, the society is segregated so that boys and girls never meet each other.

Over there, they call any guy who's ever had a girlfriend in his life a womanizer.

Over there, when a guy kisses a girl, they call it rough sex.

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Is it racist to notice that Michael Jordan is Black (because I've never noticed that)?

Last week, I was speaking to someone at work about a girl that I had seen earlier, when that person asked me what she looked like.

I told him that she was short and that she spoke softly, yet he clearly had no idea who I was speaking of. So I then mentioned to him that she was thin, and that she wears glasses. 

He still seemed puzzled.

Finally, I remembered that she had spoken to him at the beginning of the day.

After I had mentioned that to him, he said:

"Oh yeah, that's Jessica. She's black right? She's the advertising manager."

After a brief moment, I said "Yeeeaaah, that must be her." 

For a few seconds, we were both quiet.

Then, he asked me "why didn't you just say that she's black. I mean, she's the only black person that works here."

Then I asked him "what do you mean "why didn't I say that she's black""?

"How do you even notice stuff like that"? 

I told him that I hadn't mentioned to him that she was black, because I don't pay any attention to that stuff. 

"Welcome to the 21st century", I told him.

"I'm paying attention to the work that she's doing, and how she treats those around her, unlike some people who seem to spend all of their time obsessing obsessively over what colour her skin might happen to be.

Don't you have a television at home? 

Didn't you watch the election coverage in 2008 when Barack Obama got elected? 

Everybody on TV said that Obama was post racial, that he transcended race, that he made the whole concept of race outdated, a relic, and a part of history.

After he got elected, all the journalists and anchors on television were saying that racism in America no longer existed, and that racism had finally met its expiry date.

His election had shown it, and even if there was still some racism in America, Barack Obama's election had dispossessed it of its relevance, and would soon permanently deny it its influence. 

The day that Obama was elected president was the day that racism died in America, and once Obama became president, you were not even supposed to notice another's person's skin colour anymore.

After Obama's inauguration, somebody's skin colour is not even something that's supposed to register in your mind after meeting a person for the first time. If you speak to a black employee at your local bank branch and, on the way out, you are asked what his skin colour was, you are not supposed to have any recollection of it whatsoever. 

To even notice somebody's skin colour, and at the same time, to claim not to be racist is insincere at best.

America will not become a colorblind society until Americans themselves choose to become colorblind as individuals. 

Americans, for their part, will not become colorblind as individuals until they understand that to even notice a person's skin colour is itself racist.

In the Obama era, to even notice another person's skin colour is itself an admission of racism.

As for people who remember a person's skin colour several days after meeting the person, they are not only admitting to being racist, they are practically confessing to it."

For many of us, though, Obama's post racialism is no longer enough, it is already passé, it is already outdated, it is already unfashionable, it is even more yesterday than yesterday itself. 

Obama's post racialism is so yesterday that it makes yesterday look like the day after tomorrow. 

For those who are connected on Facebook, and who eat at Chipotle Mexican Grill, Obama's post racialism is so dated, it is almost an embarrassment.

Today, being post post racial is the new new thing.

Clearly, no one had yet informed my friend at work about what it meant to be post post racial, so I decided that I would assume the responsibility to do so myself. 

I explained to him that to be post post racial was to erase all memory of race and to no longer understand it as a concept at all.

I told him "earlier, when you had mentioned to me that Jessica was black, I really had no idea what you were talking about. 

What does being black even mean? 

You're telling me that's the colour of her skin. 

What does that mean? 

What does colour mean, and what exactly is skin?

What in the world are you talking about? I'm afraid that we're not understanding each other right now.

If you want to clear up all of this confusion, I think that maybe it would be helpful if you found a translator downtown that can translate everything that you said from your 20th century English into my 21st century dialect.

Then, maybe, possibly, I will have some idea, just a little bit of an idea, of what the hell in the world you are talking about."

Saturday, 9 May 2015

A brief 5-point guide to help you say "Hello" to Gulf Arabs without ticking them off...

When you meet people from different countries, it's generally polite to say nice things about the countries that they are from. If they are from the Middle East, however, it can be slightly more difficult.

If you meet somebody from the Middle East, what exactly are you supposed to say?

Sometimes, you'll say something nice in a nice voice that's wearing nice clothing and the person you're talking to will still get offended. 

If you meet that same person again, and you say the exact opposite of what you had said previously, that individual will still get offended. 

Not only does everything seem to make Middle Easterners upset, the exact opposite of everything seems to make Middle Easterners upset as well.

Under these very unhelpful circumstances, what exactly are you supposed to say to somebody who is from Iran or Iraq, two countries that infamously were a part of George Bush's Axis-of-Evil.

When I meet somebody from Iran, I usually tell them that Iran is my favorite Axis-of-Evil country.

If I meet somebody from Iraq, I usually tell them "thank you for Aladdin and the genie", that was my favorite cartoon growing up.

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

The problem with Barack Obama.

According to the media, Obama has been taking vacations frequently but one thing the media has not been discussing is of what benefit these vacations are to Obama. 

Obama's day job is itself kind of like a vacation anyways, where he spends a lot of his time delaying difficult issues until he returns from his next vacation, and finding ways to postpone even more difficult issues until he is no longer in office.

Monday, 27 April 2015

A funny bizarre story.

Yesterday, I went up to a girl that I saw somewhere, and I asked her "Do you know that I won a Nobel prize in cockonomics". She said "really"? you won a Nobel prize? for what work did you win the prize? 

I told her, a few years ago when I was a university student, I was walking downtown when a tourist asked me "Where can I find sex?" I had no idea so I decided to make it a topic of research.

After doing research for three years, positing many different theories and carrying out a number of experiments, I finally discovered the answer.

Sex was found at the intersection ..... of dick and pussy.

According to the Nobel prize committee, this is considered one of the most foundational pieces of research in the field.

According to the Nobel committee, I practically invented the subject.

When I was finished talking, the girl asked me how I came up with the idea. 

I said it's not like a lot of people think, it's not like a cartoon where a character will have a great idea and a light bulb will pop up over his head. I told her that it was the product of many years of hard work, of solitude, of toiling in laboratories past midnight, all for the sake of advancing knowledge. I told the girl, if there's one misconception that I would like have cleared up, that would probably be it.

Friday, 24 April 2015

What makes awful pop stars disappear so fast?

A lot of horrendous pop stars like Britney Spears, came out of nowhere to make their way to the top, only to just as quickly make their way to the bottom.

Some people claim that these former celebrities and current has beens slept their way to the top, but this doesn't explain how they disappeared just as fast as they came.

Could it be that they not only slept their way to the top, but that they also slept their way to the bottom as well. After they shortcut their way through 3 levels at once and became stars, could their fuck-luck finally have ended and their careers started to reverse course. 

When one of these lame pop singers, let's say Britney, tried to get from the third to the fourth level, could it be that the executive she hooked up with thought that she was faking it and that she was lip synching her orgasms.

Could it be that he then gave her a big F for fraud, and that she subsequently fell down one rung in her career.

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

Did you know that Germans now offer racism discounts?

Black people in Germany run into problems everywhere, but Germans don't treat all Africans the same.

Lighter skinned black people like Oprah get treated a little bit less badly than darker-skinned black people like Nigerians. 

Germans believe that everyone should be subject to racism, but they don't understand why two people who don't have exactly the same skin color should have to deal with the exact same amount of racism. 

To the German mind, this seems imprecise, vague, arbitrary, anarchy almost.

Nigerians who travel to Germany have to deal with the pinnacle, the summit, the utmost, the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be of German racism on a daily basis.

Lighter skinned black people who travel to Germany, however, will often get a racism discount of about 20%.

In some of the bigger cities in Germany, the discount can go as high as 30%, in which case Germans will treat lighter skinned black people the way they treat Mexicans. 

When it's time for the World Cup, Germans are known for granting racism discounts of up to 45%. 

In those cases, Germans will treat a black person even better, they will treat him like a white Brazilian or maybe a Southern Italian from Sicily or Calabria.

Thursday, 2 April 2015

A brief preface to the ensuing collection of absurdly funny, ridiculously hilarious translations into English of signs in China...

This website only includes stories that I have written or recorded, as I prefer it that way.

However, for now, for a limited time only, while supplies last, the following section has been added as a marginal, peripheral segment of the website, one that will be removed later.

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Read below to find out the motivation for posting these pictures of Chinese signs with horrible/awesome English translations.

The pictures below, about 80 of them, are signs in English that have peculiar, atypical and crazily comical translations into English; signs that were all spotted in China.

They appear, from a comedy perspective, to be almost too good to be true.

There seemed to be no site that had more than 10 or so of them, so I decided to aggregate them from different sources, and to add them onto a single page.

They almost amount to a new language, a language that is staunchly vague, formless, and care-free, a mixture of English and who knows what else.

I may add descriptive captions to these pictures later on, but for now I will simply add the photos.

Consider the posting of these pictures to be revenge for the hacking at the OPM.

It is supposed to be a one-time thing, however, if the Chinese hack the US again, I am prepared to come out of retirement, and post one hundred more pictures of absurdly funny Chinese signs.

Watch out China!

You've been warned.

These are the pictures of China mentioned previously: