Did you know that Germans now offer racism discounts?

Black people in Germany run into problems everywhere, but Germans don't treat all Africans the same.

Lighter skinned black people like Oprah get treated a little bit less badly than darker-skinned black people like Nigerians. 

Germans believe that everyone should be subject to racism, but they don't understand why two people who don't have exactly the same skin color should have to deal with the exact same amount of racism. 

To the German mind, this seems imprecise, vague, arbitrary, anarchy almost.

Nigerians who travel to Germany have to deal with the pinnacle, the summit, the utmost, the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be of German racism on a daily basis.

Lighter skinned black people who travel to Germany, however, will often get a racism discount of about 20%.

In some of the bigger cities in Germany, the discount can go as high as 30%, in which case Germans will treat lighter skinned black people the way they treat Mexicans. 

When it's time for the World Cup, Germans are known for granting racism discounts of up to 45%. 

In those cases, Germans will treat a black person even better, they will treat him like a white Brazilian or maybe a Southern Italian from Sicily or Calabria.




One black person who was interviewed by a German paper said that after being treated like a Mexican for several months he had begun eating spicy food, then he had started speaking in Spanish, and at one point, he said, he was even thinking in Spanish. He told the German paper that at that point, it was was not fair for him to return to being treated like a Nigerian. He indicated that a person who had been treated like a Mexican for more than 6 months had already internalized his Mexican-ness and that it was unreasonable to ask him to forgo that identity. He argued that any racism discount that lasted longer than 6 months should, from now on, become permanent.

A German entrepreneur who read the article found it to be very instructive; he still thought, however, that Germans would never accept such a proposal, considering it to be a freebie, considering it unearned, and for them, practically a government handout. He thought that a better idea would be to allow lighter skinned black people to sell their racism discounts to black people who were normally not eligible for them.

Prices and fair value could then be determined by the laws of supply and demand. Given the almost unlimited scope of German racism, the entrepreneur envisioned there eventually being stock exchanges where people could buy and sell what he termed racism credits.

Given the potential size of the German racism market, he thought that racism would eventually become a commodity with German speculators purchasing it on futures markets and bundling together racism credits from different sources into a single financial product called a derivative. These derivatives would then be so complicated that only German banks would purchase them.

The German government could then tax any profits made from the sale of those credits, something that would allow it to generate a new source of revenue almost overnight.

The entrepreneur decided to take out a full page ad in that same paper, where he explained his vision in bold outlines and asked that a new regulatory framework be established. He argued that if Germans didn't seize the initiative, Germany might lose first-mover advantage to another country.

As the idea began circulating in the media, first radio, then TV started discussing the idea openly and feverishly, with most Germans rallying in favour of the idea. The argument that seemed to sway the German public most was not the possible loss of first mover advantage to other countries, but rather that other countries might out-racist the Germans.

One popular German commentator stated that the perception of German racism was so widespread that it starting to harm Germany's exports abroad, and that maintaining the practice of racism discounts could be an important tool to help get the world off of Germany's back.

He argued that commercializing German racism would ensure that the institution of German racism would remain robust and still be present for his children and grandchildren the way it had been for his own generation.

He then stated that the Russians, the Spaniards, and the Finnish were already, by some calculation methods, as racist as the Germans, and that they would certainly take the lead if the Germans did not.

Another media outlet indicated that if Germans remained complacent, Germany was at risk of losing its status as a world leader in racism. Germany, it argued, would then become nothing more than a racism museum or a designated racism heritage site.

In spite of mounting support from the German public, no agreement has yet been reached on the exact details of the plan.

A German professor who was on television explained that Germans were too complacent and that the way he saw it, only the Russians putting into place a similar plan before the Germans would end this complacency.

He added, with regret, that things would only get worse before they got better, and that only some form of shock therapy would make the Germans wake up.

He stated that what Germany was currently missing was its own Sputnik moment, and that until the Russians provided it, the Germans would continue to lose ground.

After Sputnik, however, when the Germans had no choice but to face reality, the German professor was adamant that Germans would not only out-the Russians, they would out-racist any other racists as well.

Then, and only then, he said, would this story find its happy ending.

No one knew exactly when Sputnik would come, or even if there would be a Sputnik, the German professor added, all that he knew was that if and when it came, the Germans would respond with a show of force, and show everyone once again that German racism is and always will be the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. 

Achtung baby.